The desire to help others is innate. Scientific research has taken note of this altruistic tendency in humans being expressed as early as 18 months! Of course, helping others makes us feel good too. Mood-boosting chemicals are released in our brain when we give back and help others. It’s natural to want to come to the aid of a loved one who is hurting, whether they are struggling with mental health issues, behavioral problems, learning challenges, addictions, or other issues.
Constructive helping promotes other people’s growth and independence, and dysfunctional helping does the opposite. Click To TweetHowever, helping is not always good. If we offer too much, we don’t give others a chance to rise to the occasion, and we may inadvertently stifle another person’s growth. We may help out of obligation or manipulation. Or sometimes, others may take advantage of our good intentions, and we feel used. Helping can be complicated.
Providing aid in a way that feels constructive and truly benefits others without harming oneself is a learned skill. One of the best ways to hone this skill is to know when to stop helping.
Here are 10 signs that indicate it is time to stop helping.
1. When the help you’re offering is not helping.
Canadian clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson suggests that if you are offering help to someone—a family member, child, friend, romantic partner, or even a stranger—and it’s not helping, or they are not accepting the help, then stop trying! If you don’t, you might be wasting your time, or possibly making things worse. Instead, he suggests that you offer to serve those who want it and will appreciate it. He says to heed the wisdom of “Don’t cast pearls before swine.”
2. If you care more than the individual you are helping.
Do you ever feel more invested in helping someone than they are in helping themselves? Withdrawing your assistance may be the best thing you can do for all involved. If you are shouldering the concern, worry, and taking the steps on behalf of someone else, it basically alleviates them of the need to be invested in helping themselves. You are doing all the work! Don’t care more than they do. It’s amazing what can happen if you take a step back.
3. You are feeling angry or resentful about helping.
Feelings of anger and resentment about the assistance you are providing are often an indication that something is amiss. Check yourself. Are you giving too much? Are you helping out of a sense of obligation, or a desire to please or gain acceptance? Is your kindness being taken for granted? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, put on the brakes. Pull the plug, set a boundary, or simply say no to any further aid. Take care of yourself. Let someone else step up.
4. When the recipient of your help fails to meet agreements.
When a loved one fails to keep agreements, it’s important to your well-being to hold them accountable. Continuing to bail them out teaches them that it’s okay to disrespect you and break agreements. It is not healthy for anyone. Perhaps you have an adult child who struggles with addiction, and you lent them several thousand dollars in a time of need with the caveat that the money be used for rent. However, they spent it on something else—and they come back and ask for more. This is an opportunity to stop helping!
5. When your help fosters dependency and helplessness.
Constructive helping promotes other people’s growth and independence, and dysfunctional helping does the opposite. Providing help to others can be an ego-boosting habit that enables you to feel needed, in control, or like a savior. Yet, this can create dependency and helplessness in the recipient of your help, which can cause real harm. For example, this dynamic in a parent and young adult child is called parental codependency, and it can delay the young adult’s ability to become fully independent. If you are too helpful, it can enable others to be “small” and less than they are capable of.
6. Your offer of help is exhausting your resources.
Whether it’s your time, energy, or resources, help within your means. If assisting someone else is overtaxing your time, energy, or resources—stop! Even if you agreed to do something, if the cost becomes too great, whether that’s financial or emotional, you can back out or adjust how much you can help. If you are harming yourself, that is not helping. The goal is to provide help or support without draining your reserves.
7. If you feel you are being manipulated to provide help.
If you notice that you are being psychologically coerced into doing something for someone that you really don’t want to do, don’t help them! Typically, manipulation will trigger a gut feeling that something is off. If someone is bullying you into doing something for them, that’s manipulation. Watch out for people who play a victim and manipulate you with guilt. Set boundaries and hold them, even if the person asking for help gets angry.
8. If you are making excuses for someone or compromising your integrity.
If someone expects you to be dishonest, compromise your integrity, or put yourself at risk, that’s a clear signal to stop helping. Constructive helping does not require you to make excuses, keep secrets, or tell lies. If it does, it may very well be enabling. It’s okay to say no.
9. When you find yourself giving unsolicited help or advice.
There’s a 12-step recovery program called Al-Anon. It’s for the friends and family members of alcoholics who tend to get overly involved in taking care of, enabling, or trying to “fix” the alcoholic. Al-Anon members are advised to refrain from jumping in to help or give unsolicited advice to others. Instead, they are encouraged to tend to their own lives and let others experience the natural consequences of their actions.
We can all heed this wisdom. Parents will often jump into rescue or give advice to their children instead of simply listening, allowing them to struggle and figure things out, or asking if they want help. Sometimes it’s easier to try to “help” than feel the anxiety of seeing your child or loved one struggle.
10. When helping another person is dragging you down.
Jordan Peterson also talks about using the “lifeguard rule” to avoid the kind of helping that will drag you down. Here’s what he means. When a lifeguard approaches a person drowning, they employ a firm measure of self-protection by offering a buoy or rope. That’s because a drowning person is in a state of panic. It’s well documented that this panic can cause them to latch on to whoever is offering help and drown them too! According to Peterson, the lifeguard rule gives permission to the lifeguard to let someone drown if it’s clear that helping will drown them both. If helping someone is dragging you down, you may need to let go and move on to preserve yourself. A great example of this is a practicing addict. If helping the addict is killing you, then it’s a signal to let go.
Eliminating unhealthy forms of helping helps you. With all your extra energy freed up, ironically, you may have more time to help in healthy, meaningful, and rewarding ways.
Dysfunctional helping, codependency, and mental health issues can’t wait. At Amen Clinics, we’re here for you. We offer in-clinic brain scanning and appointments, as well as mental telehealth, clinical evaluations, and therapy for adults, teens, children, and couples. Find out more by speaking to a specialist today at 855-923-4731 or visit our contact page here.
